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( HomeFun Stuff → Jokes )

Over the years, numerous people have sent me jokes and "funnies" of various kinds.  The standard of these is of course variable, but here are a selection of the ones that have made me laugh the most.  Needless to say, none of these are my own work!

 

Women Parking

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the Minneapolis City Council has established a "Women Only" parking lot at the Mall of America. Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.

Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Minnesota.

 
 

 

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it.

 A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"  

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.  When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it,
and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I'm paying bills or had a really bad day,  I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon.  I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.  Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

 "What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don.  And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

"Hello?" he said. "Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

 Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down on Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really works...

 

A Man and His Car

A rich business executive sees an ad in the Wall Street Journal for the world's fastest and most expensive car, the Tri-Turbo Convertible Fantasy. It costs over $1 million.

The mogul decides that he must have it, and assigns half a dozen assistants to track the car down for him. After months of searching, the car is found, bought, and delivered. Eager to play with his new toy, the
executive takes it for a spin.

At the first stop light, an young man rides up next to the Fantasy on an old Vespa. Without an invitation, the young man sticks his head in the car and says, "Quite a ride you got here - how fast will she go?"

"About 270," answers the executive.

"No way," says the young man.

Just then, the light turns green and the executive decides to show the young man what the car can do. He floors it, and within seconds the car is doing 270.

But suddenly, he notices in his rear view mirror a dot that seems to be getting closer and closer, so he comes to a stop.

Then, whooooooooooosh, something goes flying by.

"What the heck was that?" says the executive. "What can go faster than my Fantasy?"

Suddenly, the same blur comes racing back toward him, and whoooooosh, passes right by. This time the executive got a better look and could have sworn it looked like the young man on the Vespa.

"That just couldn't be," he says to himself.

Suddenly, he sees it again in his rear view mirror and wham! It smashes into the back of the Fantasy.

The executive jumps from his car, and sure enough, it's the young man on the Vespa that crashed into him.

"Are you okay?" asks the executive. "Is there anything I can do for you?

"Yes," replied the young man, "unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror, please."

 

Pigs

A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

 

Sneezing

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.  A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper!"

 

Blonde Stewardess

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb”.

 

Pearly Gates

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

 

Husband

 Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?

 A. Shoot him again.

 

 Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?

 A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the  noose.

 

 Q. Why do little boys whine?

 A. Because they're practicing to be men.

 

 Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve  around him OR Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

 

 Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?

 A. Trustworthy.

 

 Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

 A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

 

 Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?

 A. Because not one will stop and ask directions

 

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

 

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?

A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

  

Q: What is the difference between men and women...

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

 

Q: How does a man keep his youth?

A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

 

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

 

Why Men are Happy

Men Are Just Happier People-


What do you expect from such simple creatures?  Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.


You are first in line to the throne. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water theme park. You can wear NO shirt to a water theme park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.


The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.


Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress £1,000+. Morning suit rental - £100 People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.  The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't
cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.


A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is £5.00 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.


You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.


You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.


You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.


No wonder men are happier.

 

Women's Political Correctness

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN

She is not a SCREAMER or a MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE

She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION

She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED

She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED

She is not a SLUT - she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED

She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER

 

Keep Sane

1. At Lunch Time, Sit in Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and point A Hair  Dryer at Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.


2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.


3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with That.


4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In".


5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over  Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.


6. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favours"


7. Finish all Your Sentences with "In Accordance With the Prophecy."


8 don t use any punctuation


9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
 

10. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."



11. Sing Along At The Opera.



12. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme



13. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All  Day.



14. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"



15. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking Lot, Yelling  "Run for Your Lives, They're Loose!!"



16. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To  Have To Let One Of You Go."


 

Out for a Drive

And now for a video that shows how to have a little fun while out for a drive in the country:

View Video

 

Snake

And another video that shows how snakes can send people into a panic:

View Video

 

Cell Phone Tactics

Another video showing the things that the Brits get up to in bed ...

View Video

 

What to Do with Co-workers

Finally, how to deal with distracted co-workers who have their minds on other things ...

View Video

 

The Woman's Remote

 

Flavours

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of Lifesavers.

The children began to say:

"Red...........Cherry" 

"Yellow.......Lemon"

"Green........Lime"

"Orange......Orange"

Finally the teacher gave them all Honey Lifesavers. After eating them none of the children could identify the taste. 

"Well" said the teacher.  "I'll give you a clue....It's what your mother may sometimes call your father"

One little girl looked up in horror, spat her lifesaver out and yelled "Oh my god....they're assholes"

 

Blonde and Frogs

A young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.  

The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each!  Comes with complete instructions."  

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."  

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions."  

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.  As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully.  She does exactly what is specified:  

1.  Take a shower.

2.  Splash on some nice perfume.

3.  Slip into a very sexy nightie.

4.  Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.  

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise nothing happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.  She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."  

So, the blonde calls the pet store.  

The man says, "I'll be right over."  

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.  

The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions.  The damn frog just sits there."  

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:  

"Listen to me!  I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!!!

 

Support Required ...

Dear Tech Support
 
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system
whenever selected.
 
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favourite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
 
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
______________________________________
 
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
 
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
 
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
 
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
 
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
 
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.  Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
 
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
 
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
 
Best of luck,
Tech Support

 

Understanding Women

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." 

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." 

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of The enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports needed to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know How they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy." 

The Lord replied, "Do you want lights on that bridge?"

 

The Zipper

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier  walked up to him and said, "Your barrack door is open."

Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his  way looking a bit  puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and  said, "Your fly is open."

He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was  that told him about his "barracks door." He was  planning to have a  Little fun with her, so when he reached the counter  he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at  attention?"

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, "No, no, I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags."

 

Southern Humour

One  morning, three Southerners and three Yankees were in a ticket counter line  at a train station.
The three Northerners each bought a ticket and watched  as the three Southerners bought just one ticket.


"How  are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the  Yankees.


"Watch  and learn," answered one of the boys from the South.


All  six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down, but the three Southerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.


Shortly  after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket, please".


The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.  The conductor took it and moved on.


The  Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea.  Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.


That  afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single ticket  for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment, the three Southerners didn't buy even one ticket.


"How  are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked a perplexed Yankee.


"Watch  and learn," answered the three Southern boys in unison. When they boarded  the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into a toilet and the  three Southerners crammed into another toilet just down the way.


Shortly  after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Yankees were hiding.


The  Southerner knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."


There's  just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees ever won the  war.

 

Lost Wedding Ring

Time for another video interlude, this time to see how looking for a wedding ring can cause chaos ...

View Video

 

Things to Hate

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?


2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV. remote because they refuse to walk to the TV. and change the channel manually.


3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?


4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!


5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.


6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
 

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.


8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?


9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

 

Geography

The Geography of a Woman:

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Afghanistan. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically un-patrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania . Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

 

The Geography of a Man:

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe......ruled by a dick.

 

Did they Really Mean This?

And now, a slideshow of some of the dumber things that people have done or attempted ...

View Slideshow

 

Ten Husbands ...

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynaecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"


 

Fart Trouble

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"


 

Watches and Panties

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."


 

Logical Deduction

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counsellor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"


 

Wandering Hand

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."